Jealousy
Now I’m only left with my own jealousy
The title of a song from Queen’s seventh studio album, Jazz (1978). The song itself tells us about how falling in love was the very first mistake, and how jealousy could ruin everything. I listened to this song whenever I found someone has already taken my crush away. Or when life seems to put me down, and I found someone else has taken away my dreams. This is one of my comfort songs. And I think there are so many relatable Queen songs for me. Such as “Somebody To Love”, “Spread Your Wings”, “It’s a Hard Life”, etc. But this song, it’s a different thing.
2015. Being a moody teenager myself, it was the first time I got devastated because of this very thing called jealousy. Back then, I had a crush on this little girl, we had a great moment. We walked together, bought some milk, and then we made a promise that we will see each other again the other day. Little did I know, it was the final day we could talk to each other as usual. Soon enough, her BF found out, he tore apart my supposed letter to her. Then, he banned us to see each other entirely. It was devastating, at least for me. For years, I couldn’t find any love that feels exactly like it.
2016. I found a band with one person that will become one of my greatest friends to date. We played on many gigs until a dispute tore us apart. Honestly, I envy him as well. He was nearly perfect, supported by everyone around him to be a great musician. I was overshadowed, the rest of the band was overshadowed by him. Even though he was my best friend, my jealousy consumed me. I hate the fact that he could enjoy his life as himself, while I need to put on a mask every time I tried to make a name for myself. He enjoyed a newly founded career in another band years later, while I gave up those ambitions to pursue another career in the education field.
2021. 6 full years after the love affair, and 5 years after my days as a band player, I was finally able to reconnect with that little girl. We talked a lot, she seem to be happy looking at my development from a creep to a somewhat much better person. Then we arranged for a meeting. I never felt happier. Until she said she couldn’t make it. Well, although it makes me feel a bit sad, I don’t think it was such a big deal.
A week before our supposed meeting, she texted me. She said she met someone I might know. It was my best friend. He’s now a pretty successful musician, I think. Even his current band will play a gig overseas. And weeks later, they’re officially dating.
“What kind of nightmare is this?” I talked to myself. “How could they meet and decide to date instantly like that? It’s unfair!”. But it’s not a big deal, I congratulated both of them. And since both of them got the same taste in fashion, they look fit as a couple. Not bad, I think. I only wish them happiness.
But from that moment on, I let jealousy consumes me once more. This time, instead of throwing rage, I questioned myself over and over. “How could people always get what they want?”, “Why can’t I have nice things just like them?”, etc. From then on, I saw myself as a failure. I can’t even focus on myself. Even though I don’t want her anymore like it was 6 years ago, I just want what they have; a perfect life.
And so it goes. Jealousy consumes me once more. Brought me sorrow, cause me pain. Jealousy, when will you let go? And now I think it doesn’t matter if I should live or die, ‘cause I’m only left with my own jealousy.
