Nightingale

It was a cold, lonely night. The moon was shining bright just like the sun. I looked up into my cellphone, wondering how many more times I will drown myself inside that shining rectangle. Suddenly I found myself listening to some jazzy tunes from the 50s. As the song goes by, it reminds me of those jolly-good old days back in my teenage years.

I was just a lonely teenager back then. Got only a few friends in school. But when I’m outside the class, I’m invincible. Can’t say much about it, but I feel much appreciated outside than I’m inside. I made a few friends, we formed a band, toured some places, got appreciated by many art communities around the city, basically we lived our best life back then.

Though life was more colorful before, I found a common thread between my old life and what I have today; hopeless romantic. Some people might think that high school days are the perfect time to pursue love. But for me, it was all the same. It was colorful but not as colorful as my fellow bandmates. Constant rejections shaped me to become a mellowed person.

Years later, looking at today’s high schoolers, it seems like looking at an entirely different universe as mine. They got love, colorful life, friendship, style, etc. Is this what they called a generation gap? I don’t know. Somehow, I found myself drowning in a pool of sadness once more. Not only I’ve lost my old life to pursue another experience, I still found myself completely alone.

Back to those jazzy tunes, I listened to, it makes me feel safer. Much safer. Though I got no one to hug, I feel like I am being hugged by those tunes. Those soothing voices of Ella Fitzgerald, Nancy Wilson, Doris Day, etc. It reassures me that everything will be fine. And just by that, I found comfort.

Not everything is sad, though. Because at some point I found love too. It’s just that I can’t even seize a moment, or time isn’t on my side. I still remember those moments I’ve had with these women. They’re giving me the best love I’ve ever had, each one of them has its memorable moments. But just like every tragic story, it ended so badly. Sometimes, the fault is on me. Sometimes, the right time is just not on our side. The only thing that’s left is regret. Seizing those moments isn’t that easy.

Now it’s up to you, whether you want to go on with such painful thing, or just retreat and live behind the shadows.